A Horse Walks Into A Bar
by l8rg8r123
Summary: So, a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?" Jack buys a joke book. Alex is now subject to endless jokes. Poor Alex. ONESHOT


**A Horse Walks Into A Bar**

Yeah, the crappy title was me not being creative enough. It was either that or "Joke Book". :D

Disclaimer: -coughs throat- _FAN_ fiction. _**FAN**_. Fiction.

* * *

**. . .**

**phase one (one-liners)**

"So, Alex. Wanna hear a funny joke?" Jack asked, slicing some carrots and looking at the blonde haired boy across from her. She was actually supposed to be helping him with his maths homework, but she had found a joke book in a thrift shop for five pounds and had spent her afternoon flipping through it.

"No," Alex replied, frowning at a particularly difficult fraction problem. "How do you multiply fractions?"

"So, a horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'Why the long face?'" Jack had completely ignored Alex's question. It wasn't like she would be a great help anyways. Fractions and multiplication problems were the bane of her existence.

"That wasn't funny, Jack. At all." Alex finally decided to skip the problem and made a mental note to look it up later. Jack rolled her eyes. _Some people just don't appreciate a good joke._

"How about this one?" Jack questioned. "There are two goldfish in a tank. On goldfish turns to the other goldfish and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'"

"I don't get it."

Jack sighed and moved on to opening a packet of frozen peas and dumping them into a bowl.

_"Because, _they're in a _tank._ Geddit?" Jack sniggered to herself. "A _tank._ I'm hilarious."

"Don't compliment yourself."

But Jack was still ranting on about her goldfish joke. "It's funny, because you've just got to imagine, a little goldfish, trying to man the guns. I mean, it'll just have its little flippers, and it will be all-" She flapped her hands; her bad imitation of a fish trying to hold a gun. "-trying to hold the guns, and the other goldfish would be 'Man the guns, idiot!' and the poor fish would say 'Uhm, I'll try!'"

Jack continued laughing and Alex continued his maths worksheet.

**_after dinner_**

All through dinner, Jack insisted on telling jokes. Alex vowed to kill the man who wrote the book, to blow up the bookstore that sold the book, and to poison the man who made up the stupid jokes in the first place.

'_There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says 'Hey! Watsup?' The other muffin turns around and says 'Holy crap! A talking muffin!'_

_'What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than another? Ilene.'_

_'A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see? I'm carrying Michelle on my back."'_

Alex was glad when dinner was over, because then he could run upstairs while Jack watched reruns Full House.

**. . .**

**phase two (blonde jokes)**

After about a week of endless one-liners, Jack moved on.

To blonde jokes.

"Hey, hey, Alex, why do blondes move to LA?" Alex rubbed his temples. "Because it's easier to spell! Geddit? Because like, blondes don't know LA is actually Los Angeles!"  
Alex felt a little insulted. After all, he was fair-haired himself.

"Okay, I have another one. A blonde and a brunette are walking down a street. The brunette says 'Look! A dead bird!' and the blonde looks up at the sky and says 'Where?' HAHA!" Jack howled. Alex, scared, slid out of his seat, grabbed his backpack, and headed outside to the bus.

_**at school**_

Alex was watching a Bill Nye video in science when his phone, in his pocket, buzzed. _Who the hell texts me at ten?_ Making sure the teacher wasn't looking, he slid out his phone and flipped it open.

_New Message from Jack: Blond airlines it was mealtime a flght attendnt came up 2 a man and said do u want dinnr? the man asked wut r th choices and the blond said yes or no! rofl_

Alex sighed. "Have something to say to the class, Mr. Rider?" The teacher barked.

"No, ma'am."

"Do you have your cell phone out?"

"No, ma'am."

The teacher walked over. Alex slipped the phone back into his pocket.

"What was that light at your seat, then?"

"I was looking at my watch." Alex held up his wrist. "It's glows. Does your watch glow, Mrs. Doubledee?" _What an unfortunate last name._

_"_No. Please pay attention, Mr. Rider."

"Yes, ma'am." Alex repeated, one last time.

_**chelsea home**_

"You're text message almost got me in trouble." Alex told Jack, telling her the story of Doubledee and her non-glowing watch.

"A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it." Alex stood back as Jack guffawed at her joke.

"What's Wal-Mart?" Alex asked. Then he shook his head and reverted back to the topic. "Jack, you can't send me random messages."

"Okay, fine, ruin the fun." Jack rolled her eyes. "I'm totally over blonde jokes anyway."

**. . .**

**phase three (why did the chicken cross the road?)**

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Jack yawned. It was late. Unfortunately, Alex had another extremely difficult maths worksheet, this time about powers and exponents.

"I dunno. Please. Enlighten me." Alex replied grumpily. What kind of teacher gave homework on the weekend? The uncool ones, that's for sure.

"To get to the other side!"

"...Yeah."

"C'mon, Alex, that is, like, the oldest joke in the book." Jack protested, looking down at the joke book for variations of the classic joke.

"Jack, go to sleep."

_**the next day**_

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Jack asked, trying -very badly- to imitate Homer SImpson's voice. "Because there was Duff Beer on the other side!"

Alex made a funny face, then crammed a piece of bacon in his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Jack pondered again. "Well, the Mythbusters say 'If you fire a frozen chicken out of a cannon; not only will it cross a road, it could be a lethal projectile.'"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" She said, once more.

"It's just a chicken. It was probably running away from some fat American kid." Alex cut in, before Jack could say whatever she was planning on saying. "Or maybe it wasn't even a chicken. It was probably a duck. With a day job as a chicken. Also, the whole question depends on the observer's inertial frame of reference."

Pause.

"That was Albert Einsteins answer." Alex explained. "There's also a 1/4 chance that it just crossed for the greater good, because there's a chance that it was Chicken Plato. But if you looked it up in the Bible, it might say 'And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, '"Thou shalt cross the road."' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.'"

Jack grinned. "Deep. Makes me rethink the whole chicken thing."

She didn't tell another chicken joke after that.

**. . .**

**epilogue**

The next week, Jack was back at the bookstore. The joke book was now in the basement. And, now, of course, Jack needed a new obsession.

"Would you like some help?" A staff member asked. Jack turned around.

"Actually, yes please. I'm looking for something that will keep me entertained, maybe a big book, and something I can talk about with my friend." The staff member frowned, then smiled.

"Of course, I've got the perfect book. It's actually rather a giant phenomenon currently, though I myself have not read it." The staff member walked down the aisle, took a left, and suddenly, they were in the teen fiction section. The staff member walked down the row of books, then stopped and picked out a rather thick, black book with an apple on the cover.

_Twilight.

* * *

_Yes, I WILL be making a follow-up of this, with Jack (and the K-Unit) obsessing over Twilight. It might be this week, it might be at Christmas. Gotta say, poor Alex. ;)

AAAND sorry if the end bit felt a little rushed. This took me thirty minutes to make. During the first ten, I couldn't get the words/jokes out fast enough. During the last twenty minutes, I was fading and trying to get this over with. :D

PS...So...you British people...Was the Wal-Mart thing alright? Please don't tell me you have Wal Mart too. America has to have something you guys don't. (Freaking Milky Ways) Otherwise, we're just you guys with crappy accents! And a redneck rep! And an obese rate of whatever!

(Funny line from House)

Chase: You Americans need to be more active (or something like that). You don't even win at basketball anymore, unless it's with a remote control and a wide screen TV. -leaves-

House: -to Foreman- Are you just gonna stand there? He just insulted our basketball teams!

Foreman: -rolls eyes-

There is this beautiful green button down there. Press it. :D Even you anonymous reviewers!


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